The Gospel According to Speedos: Finding the Cut that Works

In L.A., heat is just an excuse. When the temp ticks up, the Speedos come out—season be damned. This city never misses a chance to let the skin do the talking.

This year, the heat arrived early—thanks, global warming—and for the first time in a while, I answered the call of L.A.’s unofficial uniform: the Speedo.

So here’s what happened.

Summer showed up, the body was bawdying, and the pool party invites were rolling in—practically written in sweat and SPF… 50, if you’re nasty.

Me? I was feeling myself. I’d dropped a few pounds, my waist was snatched, and I thought: Let’s give them a Speedo moment. Something classic. Understated. The sweet spot between “hot gay uncle at brunch” and “Euro lifeguard you’d risk it all for.”

What I ordered? A sleek black number.

What I got? A strange cut that barely covered the peach—like someone with a personal vendetta against modesty designed it. It screamed: “Gon’ head. Open 24 hours!”

Y’all. The moment I tried it on, the self-doubt came rushing in. I thought, Damn, after all this work, I still look wild? I was devastated.

It was giving too much cheeks.
It was giving slutty.
It was giving, “You’re about to get arrested. What is wrong with you?”

But here’s the truth—it wasn’t my body. It was the damn Speedo. That cut wasn’t made for me. Plain and simple, it was built for a certain body type—and that ain’t me.

Not sexy. Just… exposed.

And don’t get me wrong—I’m no prude. I love to give the fellas a preview. A little teaser. A slow reveal, if you will. But this? This was open-door season. Full moon rising. I was headed to a gay pool party, not filming an adult feature in Ibiza. Which—no shade—that’s just not my lane.

And here’s the gag: my shape was (and still is) lit—not to brag… okay, fully to brag. But that one Speedo had me convinced my Speedo days were behind me.

Plot twist: I just didn’t know my Speedo types.

Enter my friend John—swimsuit sage and gay Yoda—who gave me a full crash course in cuts, fits, and how to slay without slipping into Oops! Oh my! territory.And now I’m passing that knowledge on to you. I’m always here for the people. Plus, I’ve learned: if you want to keep the wisdom and grow, you’ve got to give it away. And I want to keep having my Speedo moments. So here it is:

Because nothing should ruin your summer moment, especially not a rogue bikini cut and a betrayal of a tan line. Can I get an amen? (Or… A man.)

This is your unapologetic, unfiltered guide to Speedos (or at least what I’ve learned): what to wear, who they’re for, and how to serve without ending up on somebody’s close friends list for all the wrong reasons.

1. The Classic Brief

Think Olympic swimmer realness—Michael Phelps precision with a splash of David Beckham in Saint-Tropez. The classic swim brief has become my go-to because it just works. Built for lean, athletic, or toned bodies, it hugs in all the right places without turning the pool deck into an OnlyFans teaser. It shows just enough to be sexy, but not NSFW-at-a-resort. Confident, not “hello, cheeks.” Plus, it never fails to show off the ass just right.

Style Tip: Go bold with color. Classic doesn’t have to mean boring—red, cobalt, even a neon pop hits hard with a tan.

2. The Low-Rise Brief

Think James Bond just stepped out of the water—shaken, wet, and hot. It’s giving Daniel Craig rising from the ocean like a full-blown sex tsunami. This cut is made for V-taper kings, fit guys with lower abs worth framing. Why it slaps? Less fabric, more fashion. The hip line sits lower, making your legs look longer and your silhouette snatched.Note: This cut will show the top of your manscape—so keep it neat.

Vibe: Sophisticated thirst trap. I wear this one when I’m fully in my main character energy.

3. The Brazilian Cut

Think cheek sneak. It’s giving Ricky Martin on vacation and that one Insta model you stalk—don’t lie—who lifts just enough to stay on your mind. This one’s for the glute gods. If you’ve got the goods, show them off.

Why it slaps? It highlights the rear like it’s center stage at a runway show. Confidence required. Shame? Canceled.Cautionary tale (me): If you weren’t planning to show cheeks, do not wear this to your cousin’s pool party. Ask me how I know.

Vibe: Unapologetically hot. Bring sunscreen—and backup underwear.

4. The Square-Cut Trunk

Think: Euro gym bro sipping espresso after laps. It’s giving Zac Efron, Henry Cavill, and every sun-kissed thirst trap in Mykonos. This cut is made for thicker thighs, broader frames, or anyone who wants more coverage without looking like someone’s dad on vacation.Why it slaps? It’s the gateway drug to briefs—fitted, flattering, and still sexy.

Vibe: Tastefully horny. Not doing too much… but you could, if asked.

5. The Bikini Brief / Micro

Think teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy, not for the shy. It’s giving Shawn Mendes in that shoot—the one your group chat still references. Built for slender frames, muscle models, and those living on “no carbs, just vibes.”

Why it slaps? It’s barely there, but somehow says everything. A confident flex, like wearing cologne to bed—just because.

Vibe: Yes, I’m wearing this. Yes, I look good. Yes, you’re staring.

It didn’t work for me—but maybe it’s your moment. If so, slay accordingly.

6. The Thong

Think: OnlyFans: Resort Edition. Let’s be real—no A-listers are wearing this publicly, and that’s kind of the appeal. This one’s for bodies that put in work—and want to collect the compliments in return.

Why it slaps? Zero lines, all shine. And the tan line? Chef’s kiss.

Vibe: If you know, you know. And if you don’t? You’re not ready. So… I tried it. And honestly? I liked it. Who am I kidding—it was fire. But am I ready to commit? Still deciding.

How I Choose Mine Now

These days, I ask myself: Am I swimming laps… or stealing the spotlight? That question sets the tone.

I always try it on the day before—no surprises, no last-minute meltdowns, no crotch-adjusting for three hours while acting like everything’s fine.

And I’ve learned to read the room. Vegas pool party? I might pull the wild card. Neon, cheek, drama—go big or go home. Family BBQ? The Speedo stays in the suitcase, babe.

So, What Did I End Up In?

After the trauma of the accidental Brazilian, I got smart. Educated. Enlightened.
Baptized in the waters of gay swimwear knowledge.

I landed in the holy trinity: The Classic Brief, The Low-Rise, and The Square Cut Trunk. Each one did what needed to be done—showed off the quads, served waist-to-thigh symmetry, and gave the peach a soft spotlight without serving the whole fruit basket. Sexy without trying too hard. Flirty, not filthy.
(Unless that’s your thing—in which case… go off, legend.

Moral of the Story?

There’s a Speedo for every body, every booty, and every kind of gay summer energy.

Don’t let a wardrobe misfire ruin your moment. Find the cut that flatters your form, throw on your SPF, and walk into that pool party like Pose season four is filming on location.

Because the only thing hotter than Speedo season… is confidence that fits. Let us know in the comments what your favorite type of speedo is.